A Narrative from Across the Threshold

                            My Meeting with John de Ruiter, October 10, 2014

This is a transcript of my dialogue with John, the inner experience of which I describe in “A Forest in Spring Time.”

Q: I am excited to be here. Since Nordegg I’ve found the meetings very creative and original and I enjoy them very much. Seems to be much less a matter of discipline and more of joy and then I was thinking, ‘when will I ever go to the chair again, I don’t know.’ Then I thought, ‘just do it.’ Today you looked especially beautiful. I shaved this morning, and I am wearing my favorite sweater, so I’ve passed the point of no return, and now I’m here.

And what I would like to talk about is intimacy – intimacy that you see between people or experience in interactions with people but also intimacy deep inside. And the gaps within, gaps of indifference or gaps of inaccessibility, that take away from the intimacy. What I’ve really been enjoying over the past year or two is that all of my inner work seems to contribute to something that I’ve mentioned before, referring to the body of knowledge; it always seems to me that I’m building a body of knowledge, which in a way is in my imagination but also somehow more real than an imagination. It’s almost an angelic form that seems to be corresponding with me in a greater sense and it’s not a cherub; it’s more like a dark brooding angel. It’s kind of like an angel of pain and love and what I find most precious about relating to this body is that it seems to be based on the intimacy that I was talking about.

The way that I’ve been deepening in this intimacy inside is by relating more and more honestly. It seems to me that intimacy is created through honesty. When I’m honest the gaps in the intimacy start to seal and the intimacy becomes more complete and deeper, and the more things dig at it or touch it, the more it creates itself. So it’s like I’m building myself from the intimacy outwards through surrender. And this is something that I’ve just really been enjoying and growing in and I can see that one area that I find difficult to work on is the connection with you, partly because it is so complex, much of it is beyond my comprehension, and I feel a familial layer that obstructs really intimate connection. I’d like to refer to that and bring that up so that those gaps can be filled with intimacy. I’m welcoming your input, maybe appealing to it, and also just exuberantly addressing you as a way of affirming what I know my life is about.

I’m wondering now if you have a response already brewing or should I speak about what I’m seeing or realizing? Or just that it might be good to touch base verbally.

John: What you are seeing.

Q: What I’m seeing is that you carry a vastness of vulnerability, and since I appealed to you as I did you’ve opened the door to that, almost like a sweet or graceful gesture on the level that I asked you, but as I walk through that threshold, the world that you live in or that lives in you is intense and graphically out of this world. In a way like, ‘you said you wanted to see’ and yet all of that is held with a softness and a mutual understanding that ‘it’s all good’. And you are letting me walk around and sample, which is exactly what I wanted because I have my own world of other kinds of realities or experiences or realizations but I’ve always wondered what it would be like to, in a more complete or tactile way, see what your caverns are like or how far away my caverns are from your caverns, and I am tapping along the walls waiting for the echo. I did experience entering something and moving around in different forms that I haven’t before. All of it is very vulnerable and very sweet.

It’s like a window of learning opportunity, that I knocked for and stepped into and I have this time to be in it and to learn something that would be a new, new equipment for me or a new inventory of realizations. But I guess what’s most standing out is, the deeper in I go the more sweet and vulnerable it becomes and at the same time, in a really physically visual way, otherworldly. It’s very adventurous and very safe.

It also makes me think that you may always be closer than I tend to think or imagine or believe. I experience often an intense or extreme lonesome existence in a way while very connected to people, but solitary, and I remember when I was very young I used to believe that you could read my mind. So once in a while I would just apologize in my head thinking ‘oops, sorry dad about that thought,’ but as I am walking around in this opportunity window I wonder if you are actually with me more than I would have expected. Maybe it doesn’t matter how much I know that but just considering the possibility has a delight in it.

Some whisper encourages me to check in with you again. Shall I say what I see?

The last thing that came to me was that, whereas before I got to enjoy digging, and digging into the intimacy which is a profound substance of honesty, now I am kind of up in this angel structure, a body that I feel that I correspond with or build or envision, and we are all walking around in that form checking it out. Before that what popped into my head was that the meek shall inherit the earth and you are showing me the depth and the radical creativity of your meekness. And that the earth is like a love-body that we get to live on, but in some ways we are disconnected from the essence of it because we are not profoundly honest all the time. But as we become meeker and meeker and more intimate, the love that is inherent in the earth gets to really connect with us and so it the love is inheriting the earth.

And as you and I or as I am walking around in the otherworldly candy shop, or museum, I’m feeling that this is coming from, I don’t know about greater reality, but some kind of greater reality, and that it is this level that is able to inherit the earth or even just hold a little bit of its quality. And it’s almost like you and I are walking around in the forest in spring time and just noticing all the flowers and the different blossoms and taking them in. So while its all dramatically alien, it’s also really simple and innocent.

I am going to go for another dive and see where that leads and if you’d like to say something then that would be amazing, but I have a feeling that what I have spoken is what I have to speak, and I think it would be good just to journey in now.

One last thing, I just suddenly thought: some of the gaps in the intimacy are gaps of trust and those gaps have no substance and that dust of non-trust has no substance. Its just a little bit tucked away in a spot that I have not managed to reach and we are getting in there. I have been getting in there anyway in the last while but we are in it now, really in there. So maybe, I suddenly thought, I am looking at you in a way that you look at me, which is with a completeness of love that has no gaps in it. I see that love is more radical than we can conceive.


Feature image: ‘De Zittende Jongeling,’ Groningen.